October 11, 2014

This is my first attempt at establishing a legitimate, personal blog in what seems to be about four? five years? By ‘legitimate, personal blog’ I mean a blog wherein I actually write about my life, my thoughts, my issues, people that I know, experiences that I encounter, etc. I rarely, rarely do this on my main blog…well, I used to, anyway; but I stopped when I realized that no one really cares and I just got lazy. Besides, a few people I go to school with follow me on that blog and I’m pretty sure they’ve read a few regrettable posts that I’ve put up there. In which case, never mind. I’m not going to advertise this blog on my main blog. Actually, I want to keep this blog a secret. My url ‘nohastlecastle’ is the same as my twitter username so people might look for my tumblr after making that connection, so I’ll be sure to password-protect this blog. Or maybe just use another url. Whatever. I’ll worry about that later.

Anyway, the reason I decided to make this blog was because…I just wanted somewhere to rant. I can’t always rant to my friends because sometimes it’s them that I want to rant about, other times I feel like they’re going to judge me or they just don’t understand my situation. I can’t always rant to my parents because they’re busy, or I know that I’m going to get yelled at, or I just really don’t want to. There are some things that I’m not comfortable telling my parents about. There’s the school counselor, but I’m not really a big fan of the advice they give me most of the time. This blog was the only solution I could come up with — basically an online diary.

How’s school?

Monday, 6th of October was our first day back from the school holidays. It was Day 6 of our timetable, which meant I had History, Religion, double Photography and double Foodtech. Overall, it was okay. Photography is the only class that I legitimately enjoy — my teacher is super duper nice, she knows what she’s talking about and is experienced in the craft, being an actual photographer herself. I’m not super close with any of my table-mates, but they’re all nice and friendly and I don’t have beef with any of them.** During one of our photoshoots, all of us at that table actually worked together and I just felt this bond develop between us, and I inwardly call them my ‘photography fam’. The work isn’t too hard, it’s basically taking photos, editing them on Photoshop, annotating them, etc., and there isn’t any unnecessary theory work, thank God. 

(**To be honest, the fact that I’m not close friends with any of them actually lets me put my guard down; they don’t know me all that well so they don’t know any of my issues and I can just be normal around people for once, not under the scrutiny of the people that I regularly hang out with. We talk and laugh about random things, we make fun of each other’s photos (good-naturedly!), it’s just chill. If I don’t want to take part in their conversation, they don’t think any of it; they don’t ask me if I’m okay or think it’s weird, they just leave me alone and it’s refreshing.) 

As for Foodtech, there are some parts that I like, and there are some parts that I don’t like. I think the cooking part is always fun — granted, Nicholas does most of it because I have absolutely no experience in cooking. But I’ve always hated the theory work. I remember last semester we had to make this whole portfolio about our hamper project, and it was hell. I left it up until the last minute, having only four nights left to do it and I tried as best as I could not to procrastinate or let any distractions come my way. Thankfully, I succeeded — I handed in my portfolio on time, there weren’t any major fuck-ups other than some typos, but I wouldn’t worry about it because the documents that our teacher sends us are filled with them, so fight fire with fire. I wasn’t completely satisfied with how my hamper turned out though — compared to my classmates’ it looked like shit.

But on Monday, during Foodtech, I was working with Nicholas and we were joking around as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. Now, I’ve only know Nicholas since the first few days of the school year. He was friends with Maria and I sat with her in Maths class, and he sat in front of her along with Brayden. But from what I’ve observed during the course of our friendship, he….is….racist.

I wouldn’t normally associate with racist people, especially racist white people. I abhor them. But I just didn’t want to cut off a friendship with someone who was, well…nice to me. 

But anyway, what happened was, we were talking about something, something funny but I couldn’t remember what, and he says, “…because you’re an illegal immigrant.”

I let it slide. It wasn’t worth fighting about and anyway, I would lose my Foodtech partner if I suddenly started ignoring him. 

"Illegal immigrant" is supposed to be a joke at my expense because…what? I’m Asian and I am an immigrant, but at least I got here through the right processes, unlike his white British-descent ancestors who got here by colonizing it and mass-murdering the majority of the Indigenous population.

Offensive racist jokes aside, that was basically what my Monday was.

I missed school on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday (yesterday) because:

How’s my social life?

Meh. It could be better. On 3rd of October, I was at an Italian restaurant with my family when Angela sent me a message and told me she saw a video on Snapchat posted by a girl from our year named Lan (who is part of this group that I really, really hate). I don’t think it’s worth writing the details over because it’s just so fucking stupid and I’m so fucking stupid and everything is so fucking stupid. It was just one, big, six-month-and-a-half-long dream and I’ve just woken up.

How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see this coming??? 

Ugh. Never mind. It’s not worth talking about, even though this is a private blog that nobody but me knows about.

Okay. I guess this is all for now. If I think of anything else, I might edit this post later tonight.